What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 01:07
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
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What did i know ?
So, i spoilt her more .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My friend asked my crush and he said my crush hates me but not in a rude way. What does that mean?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Comes on , in middle age.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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I was seconnd youngest,
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
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I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We were not on the streets..
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
How can people balance religious beliefs with seeking professional mental health care?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She married twice! .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
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But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
All the time i was locked up.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I will be 64.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I couldn’t, believe it.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was 9 years of age.
I was scared of men, in general
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She loved him until the end.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I waited trembling.
Im still living with it.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Put me off passion for life!!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But ive been too sick for many years..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I said to her
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I have no regrets .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Was to survive, this bastard.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My family never makes their pension either.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
It was going to be , some day.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Ive learnt so much.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was very sick at this time too.
Who then, do I blame.?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As i do to all so called friends.?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
So whats the point in blame.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But, we were locked up after school.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
We all went to grammer schools
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I write beautiful poetry .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She wouldn,t have been !
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
When she asked me how she looked .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Would this be the day?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Especially a lifetime of it.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I don,t even have a pension.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
One cannot live in the past .
My life is so biszare .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And i lived it daily.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She was in good health!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I think the readers, may guess!
He knew the spot.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
This is soul school!.
But it wasn’t much.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She found it foreign!.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.